Lessons Learned

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Becky

I was not one of those people who could eat the meat and spit out the bones when I read or listened to patriocentric authors, bloggers, and speakers. And I’ve never been a person to do things halfway regarding issues of great importance to me. I was only 18 years old when I got married and began my journey into patriocentricity by reading The Way Home by Mary Pride. A year later, at 19, I became a mother and discovered Michael Pearl and To Train Up A Child.  After that I was hooked and became a steady consumer of all things relating to the “biblical” homeschool lifestyle. I was young, naive, idealistic, and clueless.

I can’t blame my parents for my mistakes because (praise the Lord!) they did not raise me to be a homemaker or teach me about courtship and guarding my heart or insist I stay at home, eschewing college life and a job outside the home in order to help raise my younger siblings and be my dad’s helpmeet. I had a very healthy, normal, Christian upbringing for which I’m incredibly grateful. My parents loved me, taught me about Jesus, took me to church, supported me in my interests, sacrificed to send me to Christian school (and one year of homeschooling), and, as an older teenager, let me make my own decisions about my life. I couldn’t have asked for better parents or a better childhood.

I can’t blame my husband either. He was only 19 when we married, struggling with issues of his own regarding faith and salvation and false teachings that took years to work through. I was the one who was a whiz at Bible trivia and had memorized huge chunks of scripture and had devotional time every day like clockwork so he just assumed I knew what I was talking about and put up little resistance to my ideas.

You know the story about the frog being slowly boiled to death? That was me. I had no idea, at 18 years of age, that over the next decade of my life the movement I was embracing would cause me to

  • spank my two year old daughter, who would frequently wake up crying in the night, for continuing to cry and not go back to sleep when told (oh how I wish I could go back…I would rock her and sing her back to sleep or read to her until she was sleepy instead of giving her harsh commands in the middle of the night and spanking her when she didn’t obey)
  • seek out male professionals (such as doctors, realtors, etc) rather than female because every woman should be a homemaker and I didn’t want to support women who were being disobedient to the Word
  • criticize women who ran for public office (again, they ought to be homemakers–public office, whether county commissioner or vice president, is man’s sphere)
  • consider an ideal church to be one run solely by men so that the women would be free to remain silent
  • pinch my 2 year old–hard enough to make him cry and leave marks on his skin for misbehaving in the grocery store (because I knew you shouldn’t spank in public)
  • view my husband as my priest, prophet, and king–essentially a mediator between myself and God
  • wear this monstrosity to the beach or pool
  • advise people who told me that the methods in To Train Up A Child weren’t working for their kid, “You’re not spanking hard enough. Light spankings will only make them mad, not submissive” and give them a plumbing supply line because I thought it was more effective than a wooden spoon
  • be critical of teenage girls or women who wanted to work outside the home, believing this made them a helpmeet to a man other than their father or husband
  • refuse to put my babies and toddlers in the church nursery, preferring instead to make frequent trips out to the car in order to spank them for not being quiet during church
  • believe that the world was a better place when women couldn’t vote. Feminism, so I thought, was the root of all evil

Even though I didn’t come up with these ideas on my own, I blame myself more than anyone else for the years of bondage I lived through. False teachers will always be around…it was my responsibility to follow Christ alone and hear only His voice and I had to bear the consequences of not doing that. I hurt the ones I love most–my children. My husband and I struggled in our marriage, each trying to act out the roles of biblical manhood and womanhood. I was harsh and critical in my thoughts toward others.  I pasted on a smile and endeavored to maintain a pristine image and be a good advertisement for the homeschooling, patriocentric lifestyle so that others would be drawn to this biblical way of life. I was unhappy and depressed but I tried to never let on to others how confused I felt.

So if I seem a bit over-zealous in my criticisms at times, it’s because I’ve experienced first-hand the pain caused by swallowing and digesting patriocentric teachings, meat and bones. I see the pretty, smiling families, the blog headers with beautiful Victorian images, the lavish productions and I want to yell, “Danger!! Run away!!” They promise a strong family, a godly vision, a heavenly marriage, and other good, desirable things and much of what they say is true. However, like Paul says in Galatians 5, “a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough” and this idea of perfection through works, or pleasing God by our obedience, pervades and clouds the good things they have to say.

The book of Galatians is all about being justified through faith, not by works and it’s a great book to meditate on if you’ve ever believed that your works are earning you brownie points with God. We are righteous only because Christ makes us so–He has clothed us in His righteousness and there’s absolutely nothing we can do that would make us more righteous or more pleasing in His sight. Hebrews 11 tells us about the heroes of the faith. They aren’t lauded for their works or their obedience, but for their faith and belief in God and what He’d told them, even when it didn’t make a lick of sense.

Yes, true faith will result in good works and obedience. But I wasted a lot of years trying to put the cart before the horse, making obedience and godliness my goal instead of simply seeking Jesus first and allowing Him to lead me into the good works He had planned for me–unique work, especially suited to me and my family. No one else can tell me how I can best glorify God because no one else has any idea, though many think they do!

Call nobody here your teacher, child
My anointing shouldn’t be defiled
Let the heart I gave be free and wild
You come follow Me

Woven words that make a lie
Webs to capture and control
Like a net that’s thrown on high
And settles down upon the soul

So when you see them set the snare
Spread your wings and fly away!
A cage awaits you there!
Freedom’s in the words I say

Call nobody here your leader, child
Flesh and spirit can’t be reconciled
Let the heart I gave be free and wild
You come follow Me
(Don Francisco, album Grace on Grace)

Posted in me, Michael Pearl, my journey, parenting, patriarchy/patriocentricity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

How Many Blessings?

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Becky

Alyssa’s recent posts, considerations regarding having children and what about the verse “be fruitful and multiply?” are definitely worth a read if you’ve ever been influenced by the quiver full mindset. She says,

The quiver-full folks I’m sure are genuine, desiring I would hope to follow God’s Word. Sadly though, many take what is taught and preached and find their beliefs according to a teaching/teachers who deliver their message and beliefs so convincingly — but completely without consideration of context, godly wisdom, thought through love for spouse/children, the gospel and God’s heart behind what He wrote and why.

And I loved this analogy, focusing on stewardship:

Each couple is uniquely designed by God and their abilities, spiritual conditions, and life situations vary, just like the ability, condition, and situation of each farm/soil varies and must be considered by each farmer. (so you can’t map out one size fits all type of idea here when it comes to family size!)

The farmer is responsible before God to be a good steward of his land and the fruit of the land. The husband and wife are responsible before God to be a good steward of the womb and the fruit of the womb.

Alyssa’s thoughts are especially timely since the movie, Children Are A Blessing, produced by Moore Family Films, is available to watch free for the month of April. I watched it and it does indeed provide a very pretty picture of the quiver full lifestyle–beautiful children in flowy dresses, pastoral scenery, cuddly babies. It’s not hard to see why I got sucked into the quiver full train of thought, forgetting that Christ never taught evangelism through procreation. 

He never told his disciples, most of whom were single, “Get married! Have as many babies as possible and raise up a godly, righteous seed who will, in turn, raise up another generation of godly, righteous seed!”

Jesus never intended for Christians to hunker down and focus on multiplying themselves as a means of making disciples. Instead, He commanded, “go therefore and make disciples of all the nations” and “he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”

Children are indeed a blessing and discipling them in the Lord is a good, God-honoring thing to do. But it’s not the only good, God-honoring thing we can do with our lives and it may not be what God wants us to do at all. Many of the greatest Bible heroes were unmarried and childless because God had other good work in mind for them!

Perhaps we ought to get our marching orders (including how many children to have) straight from the Source, not from other people, no matter how attractive and convincing their arguments may be.

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Burdens Are Lifted At Calvary

Posted on April 13, 2012 by Becky

I’m still getting used to living life without the demon of fear crouching on my shoulder, whispering threats in my ear at every turn, reminding me of what the “experts” say, coercing me into making safe decisions rather than wise decisions.

Jesus has given me a taste of the free, abundant life available in Him. Over and over He comforts Don’t be afraid. Fear not. I have not given you the spirit of fear. 

  • I’m no longer afraid that my family will be riddled with health problems or chronic disease if I don’t grind our grain, grow our food, drink raw milk, avoid all sweets and junk food, and prepare all our meals from scratch WAPF-style.
  • I’m no longer afraid that the liberals, or worse, the Muslims, will take over the United States if I don’t do my part to outnumber them through militant fecundity–birthing and raising as many Christian warriors for Christ as I possibly can.
  • I’m no longer afraid that my children will learn rebellion and walk away from God if I don’t perfectly submit, Debi Pearl style, to my husband and spank them for the slightest bad attitude or delay in obedience.
  • I’m no longer afraid that reading or watching Harry Potter will turn my kids into occultists. Or that sleepovers with trusted friends will be the ruin of them.
  • I’m no longer afraid to have my children immunized. The anti-vaccination propagandists scared me, and it’s been difficult to think rationally about this topic, but my husband and I have decided to face the facts and have our children vaccinated (though we haven’t gotten around to actually doing it yet!)
  • I’m no longer afraid to wear a swimsuit or shorts and a tank top (check out my modesty series for more on this topic).
  • I’m no longer afraid of end-of-the-world scenarios. Yes, natural disasters may occur, the end of the United States (as we know it) may be just around the corner, but I’m no longer trusting in my own homesteading skills, emergency preparedness, or food stores to save me. Instead I’m taking Christ at His Word:

do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

  • I’m no longer afraid that listening to Garth Brooks or watching Lost will “feed my flesh” and lead me into sinful behavior. Or that missing my morning quiet time will cause me to be grumpy and irritable, therefore ruining my day. God’s Word is not Prozac!

Jesus is calling me to faith, not fear. To freedom, not the bondage of rules. As the hymn says, my burdens are lifted at Calvary, not added!

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Sons of Hell Can Be Rather Impressive

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Becky

I’ve been thinking back, trying to remember what impressed me so about particular people and ministries that have influenced me in the past. What was it about them that caused me to throw my brain out the window and  enthusiastically follow their counsel? What criteria did they meet?

  • They had raised morally upright children who had not departed from the belief system they’d been raised with.
  • They spearheaded noble causes such as missions work
  • They were zealous in evangelism to non-believers
  • They had friendly, outgoing personalities
  • They knew what it meant to live righteously and they were serious about pursuing it.
  • They always had a ready answer for life’s conundrums
  • They knew Scripture well, they lived it to the letter and they confidently taught it to others
  • They shared their experience and knowledge with others through counseling, sermons, books, websites, videos, teaching tapes, speaking tours and/or other media outlets.

You have to admit, that is a pretty impressive list! This stuff isn’t easy to pull off–it takes a hefty amount of zeal and dedication to live this sort of life.

In Matthew 23 Jesus had nothing but harsh words for a certain group of VIP’s (very impressive people!) known as the Pharisees. Average people looked to the Pharisees for teaching and counsel–after all, the Pharisees prayed eloquently, fasted and tithed religiously, worked tirelessly to make converts, and supported noble causes such as building monuments to honor the prophets. They knew the Scriptures inside and out and taught it to others. Their high standards and strict guidelines not only met the Law but exceeded it! Outwardly they lived beautifully righteous lives and they were well respected leaders in their communities. Everyone was in awe of the zeal and dedication of the Pharisees!

Everyone, that is, except God. He wasn’t impressed with these “sons of hell.” (His words, not mine!)

I wish I’d valued what God values when I was seeking out people to provide me with direction and counsel. Here’s a few of the characteristics I should’ve looked for:

  • humility
  • gentleness
  • kindness
  • self-sacrifice
  • transparency that doesn’t try to hide its faults and shortcomings (aka lack of hypocrisy)
  • love that prefers others above itself
  • willingness to admit “I don’t know” or “I was wrong”
  • hunger and thirst for a righteousness that comes only through Christ’s work
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Warts and All

Posted on February 29, 2012 by Becky

Alyssa shared some great thoughts today about Christian growth, maturity, and keepin’ it real. (btw, if you’re unfamiliar with her courtship story it’s a must read! It’s here and here.)

Here’s an excerpt from Alyssa’s article:

Strong is different now then what I use to think. Strong no longer means or looks like it has it all together. Strong is no longer the one with all the right words or counsel. Strong is no longer the one who always wears a smile. Strong is no longer the one who does the “right” standards. Strong isn’t the one everyone thinks it is. Strong no longer looks to me like it did…

But what might take you by surprise is that you will be curious, maybe even drawn to those who say they have the “answers” and call themselves christians – that they know all that you should and shouldn’t do to be a “good” christian – and have the “proof” that it’s right by their outward amazingly well-behaved self.

So true. I used to seek out what I thought were strong believers in order emulate them, ask their advice, read their books and blogs. You know, those impressive people/families who have their act together, always ready with an answer, always doing awesome things for God, keeping their standards high.

Now when I come across someone like this, whether in real life or online, I want to run the other way! (this explains why I’m not a big fan of the Duggars–they strike me as an unnaturally perfect family) I much prefer to hang out with and learn from real people–the ones who aren’t afraid to be themselves, warts and all! They don’t have all the answers, aren’t always smiling (because, really, sometimes life stinks), and readily admit to their mistakes and shortcomings. The ones who are humble enough to say “I don’t know.” These are the truly strong ones and it pains me to think of when I passed them over (or worse, took them on as a “project!”) because I considered them to be a weaker brother.

High outward standards characterize the life of the weaker brother, not the stronger one (Romans 14). 

Posted in my journey, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 1 Comment

My Crazy Homeschooling Life

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Becky

This has been our best school year ever (minus the first half of December) and that’s saying something considering that last fall we were discussing the idea of putting the kids in school full-time. I just did not want to homeschool anymore. I think the real problem was I didn’t want to continue homeschooling the way I’d done it for the past 6 years–heavy on the character training and sheltering from the outside world, very laid-back educational expectations and too much free time–this was particularly an issue with my near-teenage son who really needed an outlet for all the energy he was expending by picking on his younger siblings, chasing them around the house, instigating wrestling matches and generally driving me insane!

The best decision we made this year was to put our two older kids in a classical Christian school 2-3 days per week. This has given us the structure we so desperately needed (I’m absolutely terrible at creating structure and accountability on my own…my time management skills are virtually non-existent), has enabled my husband to be much more involved in the kids’ education, and has given our teenage son the ability to play on a basketball team which he absolutely loves doing. Everyone is happier. 

No, I’m Not June Cleaver
So what follows is a peek into our crazy homeschooling life. I’m not sharing this to impress anyone because believe me, I am the most unorganized, unimpressive person I know! We don’t have much of a schedule…schoolwork gets done at all hours of the day and night and in all sorts of places–the car, other people’s houses, Chick Fil A, the park, Panera Bread (my personal favorite). Our house is always messy and dirty (inviting company over once in awhile motivates us to clean it…usually) and I don’t cook much because I don’t care to spend my spare time slaving away in the kitchen over elaborate meals when hot dogs will do (I know, I know, death by nitrates). We eat out way more often than is good for us.

The last thing I want to be is a guilt-inducing mommy blogger like Elizabeth Esther recently talked about, who “somehow manages to run four miles a day, homeschool her six children and take beautiful, well-staged photos of her all-organic, gluten-free dinners–without any paid staff or outside help.” 

I’ve never had my act together (who does?!) but I used to work very hard at trying. It was vital to me that other people thought I was awesome! And in my mind this meant being an incredible cook (tasty, healthy, and from scratch–we seriously went for over a year without ingesting a bit of corn syrup or hydrogenated oil! Sometime I’ll have to write about what a health nut I used to be), an efficient homemaker, a talented seamstress, an excellent mother, a perfectly submissive wife, you get the idea. Filthy rags. (Is. 64:6)

I was an actress playing the role of “biblical woman,” and I wasn’t half bad at it! I’ve dropped the acting for the most part, though this process of less of me, more of Him is a lifelong one, I suspect.

So please don’t ever be impressed by me because I’m certainly not. I know (and now you do too) that I haven’t cleaned my bathroom in months (don’t worry, I do make the kids clean the main bathroom a bit more often), my kids eat Frosted Flakes or other such excuse for breakfast pretty much every morning (and sometimes for supper!), I yell at my husband, I’m rude toward my friends and family, I get angry at my kids and, to top it all off, it’s February and my Christmas tree is still up!! 

Considering how discouraged I was last fall about my kids’ education, I am just thankful to God for giving me a fresh perspective on homeschooling and I wanted to share the love. For now this 50/50 concoction of homeschooling and private schooling is working well for us.

Math
In October we enrolled our 13 year old son in the pre-algebra class at the classical school. He struggled for the first few months, not because he didn’t understand the algebraic concepts, but because he wasn’t well-grounded in elementary math. My husband and I decided at that point we had to change our homeschool math strategy. Teaching Textbooks, which my son has used for the past 3 years, was obviously not getting the job done! My husband spent many evenings working with our son to get him caught up and I began researching math curriculum.

I chose Teaching Textbooks a few years ago because it’s fun and interactive and requires very little of me, the parent. I now realize those traits do not a solid math curriculum make! So I set my sights higher, willing to commit whatever time was necessary to give my kids a solid foundation in this subject. This month I switched my 6th and 3rd graders (who are not enrolled in any math classes at the classical school) to Saxon math. Saxon is quite different from the math programs we’ve done in the past (Horizons, Teaching Textbooks) because it’s not colorful or exciting and it requires quite a bit of oversight from me. But boy is it thorough and that is exactly what I was looking for. I’m very happy with it so far. 

Language Arts
I’ve still not settled on a complete phonics/language arts program for my 3rd and K/1st graders. So far I’ve taught all my children to read with Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and simply followed it up with lots of reading practice. But my 13 year old is not a great speller and sometimes I wonder if it’s because his foundation in phonics wasn’t thorough enough? My 3rd grader seems to be following in his footsteps with regards to spelling. I like 100 Easy Lessons as a basic guide to teaching reading but have been thinking I should follow it up with something else.

I read good things about Phonics Road on the WTM forums and was convinced it was the logical, systematic language arts program I’d been looking for. I ordered it early this month but was a little disappointed by it. For one thing, I prefer a book-based rather than dvd-based teacher’s guide because the information is easy to find simply by flipping through the book. Finding a particular bit of information on a dvd is more complicated. I knew Phonics Road was dvd-based when I purchased it but I was optimistically willing to bear with this inconvenience.

The first hiccup I discovered in implementing Phonics Road is that the first couple weeks are spent on handwriting skills, something which my 5 year old has not developed yet. I got him through a couple days of Phonics Road but he got frustrated with ALL the precise handwriting so I took him back to 100 Easy Lessons which has very little writing practice (and we skip that part anyway!). Susan Wise Bauer suggests in her book The Well-Trained Mind to go ahead and teach kids to read even if their fine motor skills aren’t developed enough for writing and that seems like good advice to me.

So my K/1st grader is definitely not ready for Phonics Road but I’m thinking about taking my 3rd grader through it at an accelerated pace because she’s already a good reader. I like the idea of teaching her why the English language is built the way it is (I’m curious myself!) as well as giving her an introduction to Latin. For now she’s doing Spelling Workout and Explode the Code workbooks and maybe that’s enough phonics? I might just stick with those and see if her spelling improves by summer. Maybe I should just return Phonics Road…I don’t want to overload myself (or my 3rd grader). Decisions, decisions.

My 6th and 7th graders got about halfway through season two of Analytical Grammar last fall before we enrolled them in school. Life got overwhelmingly busy after that and we just never got back to the grammar. I hope to finish out season two with them before June.

As far as writing goes, last year I did Institute for Excellence in Writing with the oldest two. We liked it but, as I mentioned before, dvd-based teaching guides aren’t my favorite. Andrew Pudewa is funny and entertaining but I just wanted to try something different this year. Enter Writing With Skill by Susan Wise Bauer. I ordered it but we have yet to start on it…between writing speeches for their speech class and the writing required by their history/literature classes at school I didn’t see the need to add anything more. But speech class ended in December so I’d like them to spend the remainder of this year working through at least part of Writing With Skill.

Social Studies/History
My oldest two are taking history (7th grade) and social studies (6th grade) at the classical school so for the first time ever we aren’t doing Sonlight history. This makes me a bit sad.

I love Sonlight. I love the emphasis on missions, I love the literature-based approach to teaching history (you mean we get to sit and read fascinating books for an hour or two a day and it counts as schoolwork!?), I love the fact that Sonlight isn’t afraid of bad language or controversial ideas. Some book-based curricula refuse to include wonderful books simply because they contain profanity or mention topics such as evolution. But many of our favorite Sonlight read-alouds, such as the Little Britches series and Cheaper by the Dozen, contain profanity. I usually omit those words when reading aloud but I’m glad that Sonlight allows me, as the parent, to decide what is appropriate for my own family instead of making that decision for me. And I think controversy ought to be welcomed, not avoided, especially with older children, because it forces discussion and the working through of beliefs and ideas.

So though I miss directly teaching history and social studies to my older kids they are enjoying their classes and it’s been beneficial, especially for my 13 year old, to hear a different point of view. His history teacher has some rather interesting perspectives, especially with regard to Lincoln and the Civil War, which have sparked discussions between me and my son as we reason through his teacher’s opinions, deciding whether we agree or disagree.

And I’m still getting my Sonlight history fix with the little guys–we’re doing Core 1 this year.

Literature
My 11 year old daughter is taking a literature class at school, reading great books such as Don Quixote, A Christmas Carol, and The Witch of Blackbird Pond (which she read last year in Sonlight but it’s a book that deserves to be read more than once!) Because she loves to read and is very fast I’m also having her read through the Sonlight 5 readers along with my 13 year old. Right now they’re on Just So Stories and Around the World in 80 Days. Most evenings we’ve been reading through the Sonlight 5 read-alouds as a family before bed. Last week we started on The Wolves of Willoughby Chase. Fun!

I’ve never been consistent about going through Sonlight’s book study guides with the kids but am trying a new plan for the rest of this year: last week I typed up the study guides into a question format, put them in binders and assigned a due date to each one. The questions are organized by chapter so as we sit and read in the evening they keep their literature notebooks nearby and fill out their study guides as we read through the book. I’m hopeful that this method will keep us more consistent in this area.

I’m working through Sonlight 1 with my 5 year old and 8 year old; currently we’re on Charlotte’s Web as our read-aloud and my 8 year old is reading through a variety of easy readers, including The Beginner’s Bible. My 5 year old isn’t reading well yet but he’s just about ready to start on Bob books.

We spend a lot of time in the car (classical school is an hour away) and I need audiobook ideas! I downloaded A Wrinkle in Time which we listened to recently and yesterday in the car we listened to Treasure Island narrated by Jim Weiss. I downloaded a dramatization of The Hobbit that we started to listen to a couple weeks ago but talk about boring! Listening to dwarves sing for 5 minutes straight in monotonous, droning voices threatened to put us all to sleep! Good grief, no wonder Bilbo decided he needed some adventure in his life! The Hobbit is a Sonlight 5 book that I’ll be reading to them anyway later this year. (Can’t wait for the movie!)

Science
My 7th grader started off the school year with Apologia general science on cd-rom. After a month or so his cd disappeared and nobody could find it. We frequently had this problem with Teaching Textbooks cds as well and I’ve come to the conclusion that our messy family + cd-based curriculum = not a good idea! He didn’t much like Apologia anyway so after Christmas, feeling guilty that he really ought to be doing science of some sort, I scanned the WTM forums for some good suggestions and purchased The Rainbow science. I scheduled out the book for him so that by doing 2 lessons and 1 lab per week he’ll complete the physics section by the end of May. He’s really enjoying it and finding it much more interesting than Apologia.

My 11 year old daughter is taking 5/6 science at the classical school, taught by a college science professor. She’s done lots of fun hands-on projects, such as dissecting sheep’s eyeballs and making a coral reef out of clay. We’ve been very happy with this class.

Science for my younger kids is relaxed and fun. We read Sonlight 1 science books, take field trips to the zoo, watch Nature on PBS, etc.

Bible
My 6th grader is involved in Bible quizzing and she and her sister, with a few of their friends, are doing Esther, a Discover 4 Yourself inductive Bible study.

I’m reading through the book of Mark (Sonlight 1 scheduled reading) with my younger two. In addition I read to them from a children’s storybook Bible that they enjoy.

My 13 year old isn’t really doing any structured Bible study. Last year I did Discover 4 Yourself studies with him and his sister but he’s too old for that now. At the same time I’m not sure he’s ready for regular Precept inductive studies. This is something he and I need to figure out for next year.

Etc.
My 7th grader is taking an introductory logic class once a week at school. He enjoys the teacher and has been learning a lot (I learn a lot too, as I’m helping him with his homework!)

My 6th grader is taking an Introduction to Latin class at school; I’ve never been interested in teaching the kids Latin but the class was available and since she’s good at memorizing I knew she’d like it (and she does). We were playing Balderdash over Christmas break, a board game where you make up definitions to extremely obscure but actual words and, amazingly, she knew the meaning to one of the words because of its Latin roots! I’m beginning to see the value of learning Latin (beyond being a Balderdash champion) and might integrate Latin into next year with the younger ones and perhaps I can persuade my 13 year old to learn it as well. It drives him nuts when his sister calls him a name in Latin and he doesn’t know what it means–maybe this will motivate him to learn it himself!

All the kids take music lessons, piano for my 13 year old and violin for the other three. My 13 year old also takes a weekly computer programming class, taught by my hubby.

Busy As Bees
So that’s what we’re doing this year! Our plate is very full but we’re learning bunches and having loads of fun in the process.

Posted in homeschooling, me, my journey | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Michael Pearl in the News

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Becky

I finally watched Michael Pearl’s recent appearance on the Today Show, as well as his interview along with Elizabeth Esther on the Anderson Cooper show.

Michael Pearl and the media seem content to keep discussing spanking vs. not spanking instead of focusing on the real issue here–repetitive spankings intended to break a child’s will. I thought Elizabeth Esther did a great job of zeroing in on this. Michael Pearl spouts pro-spanking statistics without acknowledging the fact that the vast majority of parents do not spank in the manner he outlines in To Train Up A Child. In Michael Pearl’s methodology, spanking is not a one-time consequence for disobedience but a means of wearing down the child’s spirit…“spank him until he’s totally broken.” 

I thought I’d share a letter I wrote last summer to my local Christian homeschool group’s email list. The discussion had been sparked by a link to the videos of CNN’s investigation in August 2011. Some spoke in defense of Michael Pearl, claiming that his teachings are biblical and that the Schatz girls suffered from a pre-existing condition called rhabdomyolysis. I felt I had no choice but to speak out against this misinformation so I composed this reply:

“I am not anti-spanking and I don’t enjoy seeing the media put their liberal spin on the topic either. But where the Pearls are concerned the issue goes beyond spanking vs. not spanking. I don’t mean to be argumentative, but just honestly share my family’s journey and the details I’ve learned about the Schatz case, a story I’ve been  following with interest for over a year.

I read Michael Pearl’s book To Train Up A Child back in 1999. As a new wife and mom (my firstborn was 7 or 8 months old), I was very eager to do things right. We attended their child training seminar in the late 90s, I read their marriage/parenting books, watched their videos and read their newsletter for 10 years.

We had a collection of 1/4″ plastic plumbing supply lines in varying sizes–shorter ones for the glove box of each vehicle, and longer ones for each room in the house. The supply lines served as our “rod of discipline,” as Michael Pearl suggested. We were frequently complimented on our well-behaved children (behavior modification does work) and I was a big fan of No Greater Joy…until the spring of 2010 when I learned about Lydia Schatz. I knew the Pearls did not advocate child abuse, and in fact speak against it, so I began looking into this issue on the internet.

I had never paid much attention to the Pearls’ theology before but during my research I learned that Michael Pearl 1. Denies the doctrine of original sin, 2. Has a gnostic view of sin nature (sin works only in our bodies), and 3. Believes in sinless perfection (we are instantly sanctified when we are born again and from then on we sin no more).

Catez Stevens has listened to the sermons of Michael Pearl and points out the doctrinal errors. (I don’t know Catez Stevens from adam so don’t take this as a blanket endorsement!)

Also, there’s a free e-book which examines the false doctrine of Michael Pearl. This book is extremely thorough and I highly recommend it.

The Pearls do recommend using plastic plumbing supply line as a spanking instrument, exactly the same instrument used to spank Lydia to death. And the district attorney in the case stated that there is a direct connection between Michael Pearl’s book and Lydia’s death. Yes, the Schatzes are certainly responsible for their own actions. But it is possible that someone with no discernment could overdo the Pearls’ advice to spank until the child is broken. Michael Pearl himself warns that the battle of wills can sometimes take awhile. But what if the child never gives that submissive whimper? When exactly are you supposed to stop before it crosses the line into abuse? TTUAC never clarifies this. For example (this is from the version of TTUAC that was found in the Schatz home, emphasis mine):

If he continues to show defiance by jerking around and defending himself, or by expressing anger, wait a moment, lecture again, and again spank him until it’s obvious he’s totally broken.(To Train Up A Child, p59)

Switch him 8-10 times on his bare legs or bottom. While waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If his crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If his crying is still defiant, protesting, and other than a response to pain, spank him again. If this is the first time he’s come up against someone tougher than he is, it may take awhile…if you stop before he is voluntarily submissive, you have confirmed to him the value and effectiveness of a screaming protest! (TTUAC p80)

If you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he has surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring, and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally…A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child has surrendered. (TTUAC p46)

Rhabdomyolysis is caused by damage to the muscle tissue, usually caused by trauma such as a car accident. It was not exacerbated by the spanking, it was caused by the spanking. If it were a pre-existing condition surely Kevin Schatz’ attorney, Michael Harvey, would’ve mentioned that fact. Instead, according to the Contra Costa Times, he said in regard to rhabdomyolysis, “most know it’s inappropriate to shake a baby, but few had heard of the medical condition that could be caused by Schatzes’ disciplinary method.“

Were we abusive during our Pearl years? No. But our parenting was graceless and my heart aches to remember how I used to parent my children, thinking I had their best interests at heart. Anything less than first time obedience was disciplined for as disobedience (I’m glad God doesn’t treat me this way!) We expected behavior out of our children that, realistically, they were too immature to give. We used the rod as our first (and pretty much only) form of discipline. I rarely gave my babies pacifiers because Michael Pearl teaches that this is rewarding self-indulgence and leads to intemperance/overeating later in life. I stuffed down my motherly instincts when it came to training and discipline–I didn’t want to be that weak, emotional mother that Michael Pearl describes as loving herself more than her children. For the sake of my children’s souls I had to be tough and unrelenting, “a cold rock of justice,” to put it in Michael Pearl’s words.

In His mercy, God has drastically changed my perspective on parenting. Studying how God parents His children has been key for me. Sally Clarkson has some great thoughts on parenting with faith and grace as opposed to performance-based training. Also, I’ve been reading a parenting book by Elyse Fitzpatrick called Give Them Grace and it’s excellent so far. [edited to add: at the time I wrote this I hadn't read Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. Although I did enjoy Give Them Grace, Kimmel's book is far better!]

I don’t claim to have all the answers and I’m not trying to tell anyone how to live. I completely respect parents’ right to raise their family as they feel led. In our case, my family decided a graceless system rooted in false doctrines should not be used as a guidebook for our Christian parenting.” 

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A Christmas Story, Part 5

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Becky

The Sore Throat from Hell
The day after Christmas the festivities continued at the home of my aunt and uncle and, though I enjoyed the day, my throat became increasingly scratchy and by Tuesday was downright sore. Wednesday night my garden variety sore throat morphed into the Sore Throat from Hell. I awoke in the wee hours, unable to sleep, dreading every torturous swallow of saliva.

Desperate for relief, I crept to the kitchen and mixed up a large mug of this concotion, which promised to “numb the inflamed tissues of your throat.” I have to admit that swallowing a teaspoon of cayenne pepper did indeed have a numbing effect on my throat!

As the week continued, I developed a nasty cough (in addition to the hellish sore throat) which made getting a full night’s sleep impossible. My mom, sister, daughter, and I did do some shopping and go to a movie (War Horse–it was excellent!), but between illness and the uncooperative weather it became obvious that my recreational plans for that week were not going to happen.

On New Year’s Eve we had a houseful of family and friends, hors d’oeuvres, and games. The fireworks had never been purchased, but thankfully Grandma had the foresight to provide poppers and confetti for the kids, most of whom we allowed to stay up until midnight. I fell asleep quickly that night, only to be jerked awake by uncontrollable coughing which only subsided after I spent an hour sitting in a recliner, sucking down spoonfuls of honey and sipping water.

By New Year’s Day I’d hit the climax of the virus and spent the afternoon in bed, weary of fighting it. We had an evening dinner (most of which my mom, thankfully, prepared!) with family and friends, followed by games and a movie. Miserably, I spent that night in the recliner, sleeping fitfully between long, violent coughing spells. Though most of my plans had come into place it was not exactly the New Year’s weekend I’d imagined!

In Conclusion
Looking back over the ups and downs of December, it’s obvious that if everything gone according to plan I would’ve missed out on the the loveliest blessings of my holiday season!

  • My husband, stepping in to fill my shoes when I couldn’t carry on.
  • Visiting friends and family, graciously fending for themselves (and not expecting me to be Martha Stewart!) so that I could sleep in and take naps while fighting the virus.
  • My children, good-naturedly accepting the fact that I had to miss their speech competition and violin recital.
  • The first week of 2012 which was, for the most part, blissfully free of our usual activities giving me some much needed downtime.

So that’s the story of my wonderfully imperfect holiday season, through which God reminded me that the fun and traditions of Christmas, while valuable, aren’t the most important things. Love and self-sacrifice motivated that First Christmas, when the Word became flesh, and any season characterized by these traits is magical indeed.

 

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A Christmas Story, Part 4

Posted on January 6, 2012 by Becky

Christmas Eve
Christmas weekend had finally arrived! After giving the main areas of our house a “good enough” cleaning, we all went out for rollerskating and ice cream. That evening we enjoyed food and gifts with my husband’s extended family, getting back quite late. On the drive home we listened to The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey, a sweet but slow-moving story that put half the kids to sleep!

Instead of reading the Christmas Story around the fire that night we sent our groggy children to bed. We had presents to wrap and food to prepare and so we set to work. Two hours later, the Christmas tree surrounded by gifts, two weary parents dragged themselves to bed leaving the breakfast casserole unmade. It won’t be the end of the world if we eat cereal for Christmas breakfast, I rationalized, knowing I wouldn’t have time the next morning to prepare a hot meal.

Christmas Morning
At 8am the house was silent. I climbed out of bed, straining to catch the excited chattering of children’s voices but, hearing nothing, I left my hubby snoozing in bed and hopped in the shower to get ready for church. As I made my way downstairs I could smell bacon sizzling and coffee perking–my husband had made us breakfast!

My daughter read Luke 2 aloud to us all and, after opening presents, we rushed off to church, leaving the aftermath of Christmas morning strewn all over our living room! I did take a minute to pop Christmas dinner into the oven so it would be hot and ready to eat when we arrived home.

My parents and sister arrived and we feasted, opened gifts, went for a hike, and ended the day with pumpkin pie and Christmas with the Kranks, surrounded by empty boxes and garbage bags bulging with wrapping paper. It had been a great day and I was looking forward to a great week with my relatives, thankful that my storybook Christmas was, for the most part, starting to come together!

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A Christmas Story, Part 3

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Becky

A Little R & R
After the incident at the speech competition I resigned myself to the fact that I was indeed experiencing panic attacks. I knew how essential it was for me to rest and, sadly, give up caffeine, which exacerbates the symptoms. That week my husband took over my responsibilities, including taking our kids to their violin recital, so I could stay home and recuperate.

We were now only a week away from Christmas and so far nothing had gone according to plan! I knew it would be months before my health recovered completely from the panic attacks, but I felt more rested than I had in weeks. So, optimistically, I set out to salvage what was left of December.

Most of the decorations found their way out of the attic and around the interior of our home, but the porch was bare and uninviting until 3 days before Christmas when my oldest son, his schedule finally free, strung some lights.

The younger kids and I baked Christmas cookies, enough for the various parties we were attending and/or hosting Christmas weekend, but not nearly as many as I’d planned. Music teachers and postal workers who’d been slated to receive tins bursting with homemade Christmas goodies would have to make do with gift cards.

Thanks to Amazon Prime the Christmas shopping did get accomplished!

I dedicated the eve of Christmas Eve to cooking Christmas dinner so that I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas Day enslaved in the kitchen. Turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and pies were all prepared and safely tucked into the refrigerator. Things were looking up!

 

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